People can portray me anyway they want because I don't give a damn. I'm doing this for me. 

We all want to be liked an appreciated for our many talents, our ferocious intelligence, our good nature, our sparkling personality. But when we start to rely on what other people think of us, and we make their opinion pivotal to our success, we get into trouble. Then we start tailoring our lives to fit the expectations of others, and from there it's a vicious cycle. 

When we give over our power to others and allow that their impressions to become how we perceived, we lose out on who we really are. The only reality we can see is how we believe others see us. 

And I'd like to focus on what matters to me. Not others.

- iannmarie

In this generation there is so much pressure to be unphased, to be unaffected. The world will try to tell you to just move on, to just distract yourself from what is going on in your heart. It will tell you that you care too much, that you need to move forward as quickly as possible. It happens so often; it can make you question yourself. 

But you know what is going on inside of your own soul. You know your heart. No one around you knows how hard you are trying, how much internal work you have done, how brave it is to heal even when it hurts. No one knows your silent battles. No one around you knows what goes through your mind when the world is quiet, and your thoughts, and your pain, and your memories, and your past knock at your door. No one knows what it is like to be you, moving through this season. And no one knows what you have had to endure, on the deepest level. No one knows what you have truly been through, because they did not personally experience the break or the loss or the hurt. 

- iannmarie

How true is this statement? "A good woman is not interested in your money or your status".

What else do we expect from you? I'd like to think and hope that we think both ways in pleasure, fun times and future plans, that only involves you and me. I am that kind of a person that looks beyond of what you have and what you are capable of. 

Long time ago, when I was just around my late 20's. Love was everything to me, all that sweet words that you wanted to hear. I have to admit, I was a rebel that like's guys within my culture. I don't see myself with a foreigner as what my family expect of me. I remember one time, I was told to get a man can support me financially. Someone who doesn't have the mentality of a Filipino. 

I am a full blooded Filipina. No one can dictate who I should get myself involved to, let alone the person who I called my husband. Even if that person doesn't have the lavish lifestyle or much of a wealth, or a good occupation. That's nothing to me. 

- iannmarie

It's not pride, it's self respect. Self-worth and Moral Values. 

Sometimes you need to know your place in someone's life because you might get hurt if you expect too much. That being said, in today's society people can get impulsive and defensive so easily and quickly thinking that they have the right to be with you when they don't. 

The impact can get very messy when you know there isn't a place for you in their lives. This usually triggered when you respond to a negative emotion that weights you down. 

Respecting other peoples relationship and keeping your distance is the best practice you can do to yourself. 

- iannmarie

Sometimes a moment of pause can help us remember who we are when old bad habits trying to sneak up on us. They say that your reactions is your past and your response is your future.

- iannmarie 

Let's face it, people have different personality, different vibes. Their energy can either recharged you or drain you. Whenever you are always available entertaining or engaging with people, it can weight you down by the way people interaction towards you. When they are having a bad day, it affects their mood, their tone of voice and their action. 

When I do feel an unpleasant vibes, it drains me, I feel burnt out and unmotivated. I usually take time out away and evaluate my part in the equation because I won't be able to figure things out. That moment I pause and think what's going on if my brain and emotion are totally drained. 

- iannmarie

I believe that suppressing negative feelings once in a while can be absolutely necessary and appropriate but it can sometimes become an issue if it becomes a pattern, and it can lead to a decline of our emotional wellbeing. 

The moment I process my feelings, I learn to understand, make sense of and deal with them in healthy, productive ways. However when a unpredictable situation occurs, I usually perform a delayed reaction. Learning to process my feelings takes time and it doesn't always come naturally. I get disconnected on a heated moment, loses it and regrets thereafter. But mind you, I don't say sorry at all. 

Especially when I feel number, empty and black. I find it very difficult to calm myself down if I'm not too careful on how to handle my emotional outburst.

- iannmarie

That strict upbringing line. That kind has its ups and downs, but boy does it have people pleasing syndrome. Definitely a defence mechanism in case of impending attack. 

I have had a lot of gaslighting in my past even  until now. It's an awareness that is beginning to change. I used to always feel that I need to get my point or else, people will assume things incorrectly about me, or about a situation and I can never defend myself growing up. 

M min wonders none stop if you don't hear me out, which causes a trauma response. Then it builds up anxiety or worst panic attack. I came to a point when I need to validate my own choice to ease the guilt. It's our choices in life as a result of a strict upbringing when you have to justify your choices. 

- iannmarie

Taking up space means allowing yourself to feel visible, to exist, to have feelings, to use your voice, to speak without apologizing, to feel you belong in every room.. but of course, that's easier said than done!

A lot of us were often silenced or taught how to be smaller. Our experiences may have forced us to shrink ourselves to survive, to become invisible in order to protect ourselves and so much more. Learning to take up space can look different for each of us, but there are so many little things you can do to strengthen your voice and own your space every day.

Our voice matters and we are all allowed to feel and express every single emotions that we experience every day. 

Sometimes I find myself saying sorry for talking so much, or I don't care (when I actually do), I don't mind because I'm just being dramatic, or I sometimes I say "Don't worry about me, Just ignore me"

- iannmarie

Oftentimes there's more to people's behaviour than we think... Avoiding conflict to keep the peace is a trauma response. Based on my personal experiences below.

• Hypersensitive - anything that triggers a painful past makes me wanna go back in time and correct things. I could have done better, but when you are young and naïve. It's difficult to avoid mistakes along the way. 
• Refuses help - I left the first state I lived in, in Brisbane QLD. I pursue a decision on my own even if it means a struggle. I always pushed myself to prove to people even with family, that I can look after myself and my daughter without their help. I can create our own future, regardless of the path we are heading. The road I've been through is not easy as what other people think just cause of what they see on my social media account. I am stubborn to seek help when it comes to my personal life if it reaches to a point that I struggle, I don't reach out to my family. I do things my way. 
• Unmotivated - When have I ever not feel depressed? I am when the day's and moment calls for it. We all do in some way, when we just don't feel that booster of confidence and motivation that we needed. Whenever I feel weathered, I tend to back down a little bit and give myself a space out of the spotlight. Being unmotivated is not going to get you wherever you needed to go and be with the people that truly deserves your time. 
• Avoidant - I cry, oh yes I do cry, who doesn't right. Issues at work, family, myself, partner or just simply hating my existence. That's how I managed, I let it all out. Sometimes I try NOT to bring my personal issues to work. I waited like end of Friday and just let myself lose, feel down and cry. But when a situation is impossible, it's not hard not to show how destructed I am. 
• Reactive - I realize now that I can be a fool when I listen too much on how I feel about a current situation. My borderline personality plays a major role in the way I responds to events in my life. When it become too much, it can get difficult to manage my emotions.

As we often talk about green flags in relationships and friendships. I'd like to highlight a few things that I'd like to work on. 

• Holding people accountable for their actions - TRUST. When you made mistakes regardless of by choice or accident. You cannot be trusted ever on my list. Even if you say, "I'm working on myself to be better". What's done is done, and nothing is going to change the fact that I DON'T TRUST YOU as much as I used to. 
• Speaking up despite the fear of rejection - OUTBURTS. Without thinking of the consequences and regrets. Without considering other peoples feelings. I tend to say a lot of bad things, I Nag, I cursed, I swear a lot when speaking out of bad temper. But at least I don't F&#Ck around with guys. 
• Keeping the promises you make to yourself - HOPEFUL. I remain hopeful, I stand to what I believed in, I see us one and us only. I always focus on what I think it's best for us, and neglect to communicate with you openly on what you need. 
• Choosing what's better over what's comfortable - CONVENIENCE. Out of convenience, I don't and I can't read people's minds. I tend to overshadow as the breadwinner without taking into consideration that you too have a voice in all our plans. 
• Not letting people cross your boundaries - PRIVACY. Private and Personal space to me is very important. Even with social media taking over everyone's attention and time. There are other things I chose not to share. However, some mild information doesn't bother me at all. There are certain areas in life that when people cross that particular boundaries, I won't be able to control myself and I'll be nasty to you no matter what our relationship is. 

If you were to hold a rose and run your hand up the stem, you would cut yourself on the thorns before you accessed the delicate beautiful flower. Similarly, we may get cut by some past traumas on our journey of healing, but once we reach the top, that's where pure, unconditional self-love meets us. 

- iannmarie

- iannmarie

Looking back it's actually quite silly, and even a little bit sad to realize how close I was to making radical change for myself and still not doing it at that time.

The good thing is you don't have to make the same mistake I did. And the fact that you're reading this right now means you're ready to make the plunge into your new reality. And I'm so happy that you are. 

You, like all of us, are deserving and worthy of living a life full of passion and excitement and joy. You've wandered around this earth long enough not feeling all the ways you know you want to be feeling. Remember, to live your greatest life, you must first become a leader within yourself. Take charge of your life, begin attracting and manifesting all that you desire in life. 

- iannmarie